Leftovers Gone Bad… A Horrifying, True Story

“It’s actually worse than you think.”

by Dave Presby

One afternoon during the summer before my junior year at college, my friend Ray called me for assistance. He was having severe pain in the area of his intestines, and he knew something wasn’t right. I wasn’t actually home to take the call, but I later heard the story from our other friend, Randy. After trying to reach me unsuccessfully, Ray got ahold of Randy at his parents’ house.

“What’s up?”

“Can you drive me to the hospital?” he asked. “Something doesn’t feel right… down there.”

“Why haven’t you called 911, ya’ damn fool?”

“Just get over here, please. I don’t want to involve any more third parties than necessary.”

When Randy arrived at Ray’s house, he found the first floor to be completely deserted.

“I’m upstairs in the bathroom,” a voice moaned in distress.

Randy went upstairs and found Ray curled up in the fetal position next to the toilet, grasping at his stomach, whining out in pain. He helped him up, down the stairs, and out the front door, eventually managing to load him into the passenger seat of his 4-speed Hyundai Excel, which was shaped like a 1985 Dodge Omni but not as luxurious. With Ray crumpled over in the passenger seat, Randy sped to the hospital downtown as fast as was realistically possible.

In the emergency room, the attending asked Ray a few questions, nodded and let loose with a handful of, “Hmmmmm”s and, “That’s interesting”s between Ray’s painful groaning and moaning. Eventually, he was whisked away to a private examination room. By this time, Ray’s mom had joined the parade, accompanying her son into the examination room while Randy remained in the waiting area.

After a few moments, a gentleman resembling a doctor entered and introduced himself, shaking Ray’s mom’s hand.

“Hmmmmmm…,” he voiced, studying the chart he’d brought into the room. “Says here you’re experiencing severe intestinal pain. We’d better take an x-ray.”

Ray’s mom remained in the examination room reading a 6-month old issue of ‘Family Circle’, while her son was wheeled away to radiology. She managed to get through several pages of an article about middle-aged women and restless leg syndrome before the door opened and her son was returned to the examination table. A few moments later, the gentleman resembling the doctor rejoined the gathering, his chart in hand.

“Well, we now know what we’re dealing with,” he said. “The film reveals that there’s some sort of a long, pointy object lodged several inches deep into your rectum.”

“WHAT!?!?!?” squawked Ray’s Mom, as her son grew pale and slumped over even further. “Ray, oh my GOD!!!”

“I have to ask,” the doctor said calmly. “Did you put anything up there?”

“Wha– NOOOOOOO!!!” Ray wailed.

“Are you sure? It’s OK. You can tell me. I’m a doctor. I’m here to help.”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“RAYMOND!” his mom squawked a second time.

“Ok… ,” the doctor continued. “What did you have to eat today?”

“Um… Golden Grahams,” Ray groaned. “Peanut butter and jelly… lasagna… Kool Aid…”

“At any time while eating, do you recall—“

“RAY…,” his mom barked, interrupting the good doctor. “Did you take the toothpicks out of the lasagna?”

“Toothpicks? What… toothpicks?”

“OH MY GOD, RAYMOND! DIDN’T YOU SEE THE TOOTHPICKS THAT WERE HOLDING THE PLASTIC WRAP ABOVE THE LASAGNA IN THE FREEZER!?!?!?”

“Ahhhhhhhh…,” the doctor beamed, as his face lit up in satisfaction. “NOW, we’re getting somewhere.”

“I didn’t see any… toothpicks,” Ray said, trying to compose himself. “I just took a piece out of the freezer… put it right in the microwave… plastic wrap and all.”

“You’re very lucky,” said the doctor, trying to reassure his traumatized patient. “Based on the x-ray, that toothpick looks to be completely intact. If that had broken into pieces or lodged itself somewhere further up, you’d be in serious trouble.”

“Oh, Doctor. That’s wonderful,” his mom piped up. “What a relief!”

“Well, we’ll go in and get that out,” the doctor continued confidently. One by one, he reached down on each side of the examination table and unfolded a pair of stirrups that were housed underneath. “Put your legs up, please. You’ll be whole in no time.”

Still in paralyzing agony, Ray had no choice but to obey, as his new friend helped him out of his pants and undergarments. Calmly, the doctor donned a pair of rubber gloves and retrieved a pair of insulated medical forceps. As he worked deliberately and carefully to retrieve the culprit, Ray’s mom picked up ‘Family Circle’ and finished reading about restless leg syndrome.

“GOT it!” he exclaimed, proudly holding the rogue toothpick before him like a trophy for all to see. “I said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re very lucky this didn’t break and get lost somewhere further up.”

“NEXT time,” his mom scolded. “Be sure you look for foreign items before heating up leftovers.”

Still pale as a ghost, Ray mumbled unintelligibly before the doctor helped him into a wheelchair to be wheeled out of the hospital to his mom’s car, which was waiting in the parking lot.